The Colbert Report
Re: feedback about Windsor, ON CANADA
Dear Mr. Colbert:
I am offended by puerile humor
when it comes at the expense of others. So, when you stated recently
in The Colbert Report
that Windsor, Ontario Canada
is the "earth's rectum," I felt compelled to respond.
Canada's busiest port. And I can see how you might confuse
port, portal, and rectum.
After all, it takes one to know one. But asserting that
Windsor is the de facto
"rectum of the world," is going a bit far. By doing
so, you are also suggesting that everyone in this city is a rectum.
And I guess you're calling me a rectum as well. So, here is some
I would be the first to admit
that, seen from satellite perspective, the
Detroit River that passes from Lake
St. Clair to Lake Erie
does indeed look like a rectum which, I suppose, would make the
lake freighters that propel downstream with loads of iron ore
from Duluth the feculence.
But how do you explain the ships going upstream with loads of
Cleveland Coal and
Windsor Salt headed for Chicago?
I'm sure that Canada Steamship
Lines, the Seafarers
Union, the Canadian Mine Workers
Union, the United Mine Workers of
America, and the cities of
Chicago, Cleveland, and Duluth would all like to take
you out back and make a philosophical point or two.
I am similarly confused about
your paradigm concerning the traffic that flows back and forth
across the Ambassador Bridge
between Canada to the south
and the USA to the north.
Yes, Tyrone, we are actually
your southern neighbor. By insulting
Windsor you are actually also insulting the city of
Detroit, Michigan, the people, and the workers there
who make it Motor City. I
want you to ponder the implications of offending
Chrysler, Ford, and General Motors, all who have a presence
in both cities. By calling Windsor
the "earth's rectum,"
you have suggested that these manufacturers are rectums,
and that the fine products they produce are feculence. And it
only follows that you suggest that the
UAW and its vast membership are rectums. Moreover, you
suggest that every hard working citizen of
Windsor and of Detroit
is a rectum as well. Oops.
I think there are a lot of people standing in line to take you
out back to make a philosophical point or two now.
Your mamma ...
And don't get me going about
the rail traffic passing beneath the
Detroit River courtesy of the
Michigan Central Railway tunnel currently in use by
CP Rail. By the way, we are building another rail tunnel
soon. And we are building a second bridge across the
Detroit River to increase our truck transport. And I'm
not even going to mention the Detroit-Windsor
tunnel that handles local transportation between our
downtowns. So, I guess we're becoming bigger rectums in your
paradigm. But by insulting Windsor,
you have also insulted the hard working members of the
AFL-CIO that run our trains.
They would also like to take you out back but they're going to
have to take a number. And I'm sure that the
teamsters too would like a word or perhaps, for historical
purposes only, to show you where Jimmy
But the businessmen who run
Caesars Windsor Casino, the
Greektown Casino, and the MGM
Grand Detroit Casino are going to have the biggest bone
to pick with your suggestion that
Windsor is the "earth's
rectum" because these wise guys have little sense
of humor. When you make Windsor
look bad, you make these guys look bad. And they don't like to
look bad. Who does? Since winter is on our doorstep, I'm sure
they would be all too willing to equip you with a pair of
concrete galoshes to protect your feet from our frigid
Inadvertently, by being a smart
aleck instead of being smart, by giving national publicity to
Windsor, you have elevated
this "working town."
In fact, you have elevated the entire area surrounding
Windsor, according to "Central
Place Theory," stretching from
Cleveland to Chicago,
and made it the "Axis
mundi." For a buck-toothed,
banjo-plucking, slack-jawed, slope-headed, and deep-fried turkey
eatin' yokel like you, that means the
"Earth's navel." So, I thank you. Being the
"Axis mundi" is
prestigious, to say the least.
The next time you pick lint out
of your navel I am sure you will think about me, this letter,
the residents and workers of Windsor
and Detroit, the companies,
the unions, the residents of the Great
Lakes Basin, the country of
Canada, and probably the entire world, who you have offended.
I think, off-hand, that you have also insulted the
"black hole" of Calcutta who wants its title
restored. But rest assured, this insult will not be forgotten.
We here in the mid-west have long memories. And every time we
take a dump we will be thinking
about you. Quite frankly, I wouldn't be surprised if the colloquial
reference to feculence in this vicinity becomes
"Colbert," as in
"I have to take a Colbert." And the fragrance
blowing toward you, with apologies to the
Monty Pythons, is every person in this region
farting in your general direction. Was that too
French of me?
Thank you so much for suggesting
that the City of Windsor should
adopt the Colbert family flag
of a puckered rectum. It was very generous of you.
Of course, I'm just a dumb
Canuck, as you so rudely stated we all are up here, having
fun as feedback for the little bit of fun you had at our expense
on The Colbert Report.
But Heaven forbid you ever travel to
And oh, one last point,
"earth" as in the
"earth's (sic) rectum," is spelled incorrectly.
In the context you have used, the
"e" in "earth"
should be capitalized. The
"Earth" is our planet ; whereas,
"earth" is dirt. And that is what I think of
your sense of humor when it comes at the expense of others.
A. Carter - novelist
Windsor, ON CANADA